Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Joe and Teresa and Kim and Pee-Wee

It's been a long time since I posted something, but that doesn't mean I haven't had ideas.

A few months ago I was at the deli waiting for my sandwich when I glanced over at the magazine rack and saw this:


It's a photo of Joe and Teresa (I thought the same thing but, yes, that is a woman) and their "over-the-top second wedding."  

I don't really care about those gossippy (did I invent a word?) celebrity magazines.  But there was one big thing that caught my eye.  Look again at the cover and tell me if you see it.

Well, did you find it?  Keep looking...

So, did you see it?  No?  Well, neither did I.  The thing that I was amazed at in this cover story is that it never tells who these two people are.  Which means the editors, and the degenerate readers, think everybody knows who Joe and Teresa are.

It turns out she is one of those Real Housewives of New Jersey (or Real Desperate).  That issue was from mid-September.  

Then I saw this one last week, dated October 25.



I'm serious, people.  That is a woman.  Honest!  And she has an "exclusive" tell-all.  Wow!  It's going to take a while to digest all the secrets and all the juicy gossip that they are going to dish out.

Guess what?  Here is the November 1 issue, that came out only a week later:



Geez Louise!   Again?  It makes you wonder if these women publish the magazine (and I swear it wouldn't surprise me if they announced that all three of these women are really men in drag).  But the sad thing is, the magazines need articles to publish.  The reality shows need publicity to get viewers.  They feed off of each other so much that they do become what they are: famous people and best-selling magazines.

Come on.  If no one else cares to publish your article or photos, does it automatically become an "exclusive" feature?

Which brings me to that last cover.  Look at the top right corner.


Oh yes, the fake marriage.  Here is a woman whose claim to fame was a porn tape (where a rapper went pee-pee on her) and now she's on top of the world.  Why?  Because she has all these cameras following her for her reality show.  And she feeds the magazines with "exclusives" and the magazines build interest in her show.  And it makes money for everyone.

Here is one last set of photos.


The top one shows Paul Reubens dressed up as Pee Wee Herman.  When people see him dressed in that grey suit, they know he is an actor playing a fictional character.  If Pee-Wee says he is buying a car, building a house or getting married, we don't really believe it because he is "in character."

In the bottom photo we see Kim.  I think we should start thinking of her as the "female Pee-Wee."  Whenever we see her in front of a camera, she is playing a character and improvising, just like Reubens does with Pee-Wee.  If she says she is getting married, she's not really in love.  It's just her character.  If she gets a divorce, it's just pretend.  If there's a camera in front of her, don't believe anything.

Think about it:  did she fall in love with a guy, decide to get married, and THEN have it filmed for her show?  Or did she decide it would be a good plotline if she got married, made arrangements to get all these sponsorships (a reported $10,000,000 cost for the wedding) and then find an "actor" to play her boyfriend.

One of the things I read was that her husband wasn't comfortable with cameras following them throughout their days.  Really?  That is part of her act.  How can't you like that?

The sad thing is, a lot of average people who want to be reality stars will make some bad choices.  Would Anna Nicole be alive today if she didn't have to act out her life in front of her cameras?  (Would Anna Nicole be able to make a living if they didn't follow her?)  Would the Octomom have had so many children if she knew no one had any interest in seeing her?  There was another "Real Housewife" who was lost at sea recently and had to be rescued.   Really?  Lost with all those cameramen?   And then there is the mother who sent Dr. Phil a video of her disciplining her son with hot sauce.  Why?  To get on TV and become famous (or infamous).

I think it should all come full circle.  The media should start peeing on Kim at the end of her career, just like Ray J did at the beginning of hers.

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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Memphis over Buffalo and Chicago

While bouncing around Netflix last Sunday, I saw that the musical Memphis was available.  This was the Tony winner for best musical in 2010 and it will be coming to Shea's this spring.  It was taped in HD and shown in theaters in April and the producers took that 2+ hour performance and put it on streaming video, although a DVD copy is not available for rental.





My wife watched it last weekend, and I watched it this Saturday night.  It really was a great show with early R&B rock and roll music, great characters and a story that grabbed you.  My wife said it was just like RENT without the drugs (she was joking about that.  She loves RENT.)

Why is this a big deal?  Why is it worth writing in a blog?

Because I chose to watch the musical over the Bills game.

Granted, it was a meaningless, preseason game that turned out to be low-scoring (10-3), I still avoided it.

Next Saturday I'll be at Project Stage III in East Aurora instead of watching the Bills-Broncos game from Denver.

And it's not just these two games.

I plan...TO GO THROUGH THE WHOLE SEASON WITHOUT WATCHING A BILLS GAME!

Oh sure, I'll read the previews and look at the post-game wrap-ups, but I will try to do something other than sit in front of the TV or near a radio and pay attection to the action.  I've spent 40+ years watching Bills games and, with the exception of those Super Bowl teams and other playoff action, there's not that much to get excited about.  The last 11 years without a postseason have just been a waste.

When I talk about watching the games my neighbor always says, "Well, it will all be in tomorrow's paper."  I think it's time to change things up.

Of course, if the Bills start the season 6-0, I may have to start watching.

Because 2011 might be "the year."


Thursday, May 19, 2011

♫ Only the horny

Here's the cover to my latest album (or as the kids say, "my latest CD") called Only the Horny. 
It's filled with classic songs with the word "lonely" replaced with the word "horny." The words are so interchangeable.
 The album starts off with the Beatles 
  • Sgt. Pepper's Horny Hearts Club Band
Then we get the title track from Roy Orbison
  • Dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah Oh-oh-oh-oh-wah
    Only the horny
    Know the way I feel tonight

Then some classics...
  • Owner of a horny heart.
  • I'm such a horny boy. Horny and blue. I'm all alone with nothin' to do.
  • Horny...I'm Mister Horny
  • Hey there horny girl

How about the great Elvis Presley?
  • I get so horny baby
    I get so horny, I get so horny I could die 

Or the equally great Led Zepplin...

  • Let me get it back, baby, where I come from.
    It’s been a long time, been a long time,
    Been a long horny, horny, horny, horny, horny time.

Or the semi-great John Mellencamp...

  • It’s a horny ol’ night
    Can I put my arms around you
    It’s a horny ol’ night
    Custom made for two horny people like me and you 


 A few more oldies

  • Horny days, horny nights
  • Horny teardrops,
  • Show Me the Meaning of Being Horny

 And we'll finish up with another Beatles' classic

  • Ah - - - look at all the horny people
    Ah - - - look at all the horny people

I worry that it might sell millions of copies and I might get too famous. 

I heard it's horny at the top...I mean, lonely at the top.
 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

♫ Stalag 16 - Going on 17

I just got the word that my new show was NOT chosen to be the musical in the AP 2012 season.

I guess we'll have to wait another year for...


The working title was Stalag 16 - Going on 17, even thought it took place in Stalag 13.  And what a great show it was going to be. 

It was going to start out on a crisp morning with Sgt. Schultz singing...


...and finishing up with all of Nazi leaders in a rousing chorus of...


We then go inside the barracks where we meet the prisoners...


...before they all jump into the showers.


Klink tells Schultz what it means to be a German in the 20th century (start snapping your fingers)


Frenchman LeBeau does his show-stopper. "If I were a Ger - man"


The only black prisoner, Kinchloe, didn't have much to do in the TV show.  He couldn't "disguise" himself and mingle with the Germans, so he mostly stayed in the barracks.  It was the same problem here, until we gave him this song:


You know what?  That was bad even for this show.  We dropped the song from the final book.


Not to be outdone, Sgt. Schultz gets into the act with his version of a Irving Berlin classic


And we added one from Cole Porter...

 

 


Colonel Hogan wants to sneak off to Bavaria with Klink's secretary.

  

But, you know, with all these hijinks, the German leaders are not happy with what's going on in Stalag 13


So that was my musical.  Maybe I should add some more songs before I resubmit it.  Tunes with "swastika" and "dachshund" and "Third Reich" in the lyrics.  

"Don't cry for me, Baden-Württemberg "


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Friday, March 4, 2011

America's Next Great Restaurant...MINE!

NBC has a new program, America's Next Great Restaurant, where "people from every walk of life will vie for the opportunity of a lifetime to see their original restaurant concept spring to life."

I'll admit, I don't have a burning desire to start a restaurant.  But I do like money.  So here are my ideas for a restaurant.

Say you're at the mall and you want a bite to eat.  The food court has a lot of ethnic foods - pizza, burritos, Chicken Teriyaki, egg rolls, sometimes souvlaki.  But what if you want some Polish food. Where do you go?


That's right, the Groggy Pierogi.  What king do you want?  Cheese?  Kraut?  Yeah, we got those...but we got so many others.  Look at what we stuff inside out dough!
  • Taco  pierogi
  • Philly Cheesesteak pierogi
  • Bacon Lettuce Tomato pierogi
  • General Tso's pierogi
  • Buffalo wing pierogi
  • Scottish haggis pierogi
  • Fried bologna and onions pierogi
  • Pulled pork pierogi (known as the Triple P)
  • Manicotti pierogi
The goal is to have as many different types as we can.   You name it, we'll stuff it and mass-produce them all over the country.  Did someone say Sloppy Joes pierogi?

The only obstacle is the name.  I wanted "Kooky Pierogi" or "Goofy Pierogi" or "Ka-Ka-Krazy Pierogi" but I went with a rhyming name.   We could do a lot of marketing with "Groggy" ("Our accountants are so sleepy, we're cutting our prices and they'll never know.") but we could use an amphibian whose face looks like a green spinach-flavored one...



Another thing is fusion.  Let's mix Polish dishes with another culture's food.  How about some Escargot and Kielbasa?


Now, the big thing with Jacques Careff is it sounds like "p-SHAH KREFF" (Polish: psia krew) which is a Polish swear word.  If you look it up online, a lot of posters say it is a meaningless "dog's blood."  But what if it's a feminine dog?  Does "bitch's blood" sound nastier?  Think of non-English people looking at our swear words.  Son-of-a-dog?  Harmless.  His talk is all manure from cattle.  Doesn't have the same impact.

While we're on the topic of wordplay, how about a Polish Sports bar?


Where else could we go with Polish fusion?  How about half-Polish, half-Brazilian?

Kiel-Bossa Nova?

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Friday, February 18, 2011

Church Dick

I was reading the Editorial section of the Buffalo News a few days ago.

In the "My View" column, there was a piece written by a Massachusetts native who was moving to Hamburg.  She read good things about the area, but she also read bad things.  Then I came to this line:


"...we had a wonderful feeling about the church Dick?"   Oh, did you?

It got me wondering who she was talking about.  Was there a parishioner who was well-endowed and is responsible for taking care of the ladies?  (You do notice the "D" is capitalized.  Is this a case of religious capitalization?  As in "...there was a painting of Him on the altar.")

Then I started to wonder if there was a jerk who hung around the church and did practical jokes to bug people.

"Who put the whoopie cushion on the kneeler in the confessional?"
"Oh, it's probably the work of that church dick."

 "Why are there bubbles coming out when they play the pipe organ?"
"Oh, the church dick is up to his old tricks."


"Why is the altar wine warm and why does it smell like asparagus?"
"What the hell is wrong with that church dick?"

But I think it might be a parish private investigator.  "Dick" is a slang term for a detective.

"Who is stealing the collection plate money?  Looks like a job for the Church Dick."

It would be an easy job in the Catholic Church.  If there's any wrongdoing, always point to a priest.


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Friday, February 11, 2011

Something happened...

Joseph Heller's first novel, Catch-22, was published in 1961.  It was a huge book that was made into a motion picture and whose title became a catchphrase for something that's an absurd "lose-lose" situation. 

His second novel, Something Happened, was published in 1974 - thirteen years later.  I remember seeing something about this on TV around that time.  Heller meant to write another book sooner but he was involved in screenplays and TV and movie projects.  When asked why it took so long to do another novel, his reply was "something happened."



That is why I'm using it as the title of this entry into my blog.  My New Year's resolution was to write a blog with all the funny, creative things that go on.  In January, I had ten different posts, which averages to one every three days.  My last one was on January 26.  Today is February 11.  Why haven't I posted anything?  Well, Something happened.

Around the time of my last posting, I pulled a muscle in my upper back.  It was just a little pain around the ribcage.  But over the next few days it went to my neck muscles, then shoulder, left arm and all the way into my left elbow.

I took a trip to my D.O. doctor, got an adjustment and prescriptions for Lortab (pain reliever) and Flexeril (muscle relaxant).   I feel I should put these pills in Pez dispensers because I take them so much. 

When I wake up, my arm is in so much pain that I hold it close to my chest - almost as if it was in a sling.  The first thing I do it eat something and take the pills (I don't want to pop the pills on an empty stomach).  As I wait for them to kick in, I'll make a pot of coffee.  Ahhhh, caffeine, pain killers and muscle relaxers.  What a way to start the day. 

In fact, I referred to this in one of my Facebook posts:


The problem with this situation is I'm either in too much pain/discomfort to write or I'm too relaxed to focus.  There really isn't an in-between.

Actually, I'm having a tough time just organizing the points in this.  But in the coming weeks I will have a lot of things to talk about.  I got updates on past postings and a whole bunch of new ideas.

But I thought the best step was just to do something...

And I did.  I explained how "something happened."

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Johnny Woods Super Bowl Pool


A romantic weekend in Niagara Falls

A plush rocker-recliner or

A brand-new 1080-P HD television

What could YOU buy with $500 ???



Enter the new Johnny Woods Super Bowl pool today for FREE. 
YOU could win $500 if you have the numbers that match the final score.

Just register at www.poolhost.com (I chose the one that required the least info).  When you receive your e-mail verification just log in and follow these steps:
  • On the left column you will see, in blue, "User Tools"
  • Click "Join a Private Pool"
  • Click on the upper right graphic, "Superbowl Squares"
  • Pool Login Name: NOTLID
  • Pool Password: woods1 (case sensitive)
  • On the left column, in blue, click on "Pool Options" and "Make Picks"
  • Click on five open squares and hit "Select Squares"
That's all there is to it.  And best of all, it's FREE.

There is a limit of five squares per e-mail address.  So the pool is only open to the first 20 players (I already took my squares, so it's down to 19).

On the day before the Super Bowl, random numbers will be chosen.  You could win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score.

Good luck!





OK, let me explain the whole "You could win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score."

I don't have a lot of money for this, so I bought a New York Lottery "Loose Change" ticket (numbered 159).  Sometime after the game I will scratch off the ticket to see what the winner gets.  It might be a dollar.  Two dollars.  Five dollars.  It could be as high as $500.  Or, it could be nothing.  



The key is "You COULD win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score."  
I never said "You will win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score."

There will be a video posted of the scratching, and you know how I like playing with my movie program.   Again, it's free to enter.

And hey, you never know.


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JWN Network Intro

Here is the intro that will be used before shows on the JWN Network.  (Note: Due to unforeseen circumstances, "Jack LaLanne's Power Juicing Paternity Tests" will NOT be on the schedule)

It is similar to the one I posted on Facebook, but I added some transitional fading.  I also changed the catchphrase so it would rhyme (I mean, folks, what could I rhyme with "class"?) and the "TM" symbol.  I think the "TM" on the end is hysterical.

video

I had a hell of a time putting this video online.  It uploaded on blogger.com fast, but the "processing" took hours before I canceled it.  So I did it again but saved it in a smaller file.  That's why it may seem blurry.

I was thinking about this all night Monday at work - how to do it, what to do, where to put slides, how to use sound.  When I got home I jumped on the computer and played with it.  (Please...no jokes about me being on the computer and playing with it).

When I was finished I posted it on Facebook and went to sleep with a smile on my face.  (Please...no jokes about me being on the computer and playing with it, then going to sleep with a smile on my face when I was finished).  Lots of positive responses.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Golden Apey Awards

It's that time of year again - time for the Aurora Players Annual Banquet and 2010 Awards.

The past season has been a great one for East Aurora theatergoers.  Namely because for the first time in a while I have not been in any of the productions (my last show was Spring 2009)

So, we have the Acting Awards.  The Aurora Players Awards. The Roycroft Pavilion Awards.  The East Aurora Stage Awards.  There has to be a catchier name for this.  And I'm the kind of guy to look for one.

Let's look at the Grammy Awards.  The statue has a little gramophone on it, so it's shortened to Grammy.  Ours are plastic (see photo below with our 2008 winners).  The Plasties?  The Plexies?  The Lucitees?  

 
Plexiglas is Polymethyl methacrylate, better known by its abbreviation, PMMA.  How about the Pummas?

The background for the name of the Oscar Awards is up in the air, but everything points to it looking like someone, from the first husband of Bette Davis to King Oscar II of Sweden.  If we had a person on our statue we could have a contest to see who it looks like.  But since it's just a flat surface we would have to name it after someone flat.  The Keira Knightley Awards?  (Ooooh  - Ricky Gervais would be so proud of me).

According to their website, the Emmy Award was originally going to be called "Ike" after the television iconoscope tube, but they wanted something that didn't remind people of Eisenhower.   An engineer suggested "Immy," a term commonly used for the early image orthicon camera.  This was later modified to "Emmy."  So, we could name it after something used in the theater.  Curtains?  Fake brick walls?  Pancake make-up?  Hairspray?  Spotlights?  Bloated Egos?  The only unique things that East Aurora has are mulled cider and everything done in Roycroft fonts.

The Tony Awards are given for Broadway productions and are named after Antoinette Perry, who founded Perry's Ice Cream.  I made that last part up.  She was an actress and co-founder of American Theater Wing, who presents the awards.  If only we could name it after someone great.  The Roiks (After Roycroft)?  Naw, sounds like a disease.  The Hubbards (after Elbert Hubbard)?  Sounds like a produce market.  The Woodsies?  Cute, clever, but may be a wee bit egotistical (bloated ego?). 

The Obie Awards are given for off-Broadway productions in New York.
Hmmm.  Off-Broadway = O.B. = Obie.

I think we have a winner!  Aurora Players = A.P. = Apey.

Presenting, the GOLDEN APEY AWARDS



We'll just get a few gorilla figurines, nail then to bases, spraypaint them and stick the Players' logo on it.  Brilliant.
 
Now let's see how those 2008 winners would look with their new awards.


Awesome!

Now, let's award this year's statues.  The ballots have to be postmarked by January 21.  Since the date has passed I can tell you who I chose without influencing other voters (like my opinion really matters).

Featured Actress
With her singing, acting and comic timing:
Jessica Goodison, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum"

Featured Actor
At the Oscars they call this a "supporting" actor.  As the sidekick to Pseudolus:
Chris Rimes, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum"

Lead Actress
When you got a husband and three sons fighting, you need a good matriarch.
Sue Musial, "The Lion in Winter"

Lead Actor
Three strong leads in this category.
Michael Starzynski, "Moon Over Buffalo"

There you have it.  One note: Ann Grimaldi was nominated twice in the Lead Actress category for two comedic roles, and I think her voting might get split because of it.


These will be awarded this Saturday, January 29.  We'll see how I did.  Oh, one more thing.  You would not believe how wrong I got these in the past.  One year I was 0-for-4 in my picks.  I really hope I didn't jinx anyone...


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Thursday, January 20, 2011

LET'S GO HUMP !

If I owned a basketball team, I would call it the Buffalo Hump.

It's kind of catchy.  It is a part of a buffalo, and it sounds better than the Buffalo Hooves, Buffalo Horns or the Buffalo Beard.

It is singular, which is the cool thing in sports (Thunder, Wild, Lightning, Magic, Avalanche, Heat).

And...it would be fun to sit with thousands of people yelling, "LET'S GO HUMP."



 

I would prefer as many home games on the weekend, but if there were weekday games I would obviously prefer them to be on Wednesdays (obviously). 

There would be trivia contests at halftime where the correct answer gets you a team t-shirt.  But if you're wrong you get a dunce t-shirt.  
I'm looking at the name:  Hump T or Dumb T.

If the team gets behind but takes a commanding lead, you can say we're "over the hump."

Maybe we could use the Black Eyed Peas' song "My Humps" as our theme.  Maybe Engelbert Humperdinck could sing the anthem.

But there is one more thing I gotta check...


(sigh) the domain "buffalohump.com" has been taken but it is up for sale.

But "letsgohump.com" is available!  Oh, the possibilities...


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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

»Scheißen Sie Loch« - How to say "Shithole" in German

A few weeks ago, Buffalo hosted the World Juniors Hockey Tournament.

Players from ten countries came into Western New York for the two-week competition. With the players came coaches, fans and reporters.  A Swedish writer, on his blog, said that coming to Buffalo was "like falling into a scene from the movie 28 Days Later (minus all the zombies)."   He spoke with a Finnish colleague before he came into town, who told him,

"The city is a shit hole. I've spent one night there and decided that it was not only my first there, but also my last"

At the end of this tournament. the USA finished in third place.  Both Sweden and Finland did not get on the medal podium.  Maybe the Americans had a very good team.  Or maybe the Scandinavians, and the other countries' athletes, were so intimidated by being in a shithole that they couldn't compete.  The only two countries that didn't mind being in a cold, dreary place were gold-medalists Russia (one big cold dreary place) and silver-medalist Canada (ditto).

If the USA had such a good home-field advantage in this small tournament, imagine what it would be like if we hosted a major athletic gathering.

Which brings me to...



Yes, I am organizing a bid to get the Olympic Games in Western New York.  I had to sell a few of my shares in JWN to pay for it (see earlier blog to find out what that is), but it will be well worth it.

Although some of the athletic venues will be in the suburbs, I want to get as many sports played in "the Shithole" as I can.  Thanks for your offer, Niagara County.  I really appreciate it, North Campus.  But these games will be centered within the city limits.

Take a good look at the top photo below.  I did not photoshop anything green into the picture.  Those are vacant lots in between the few houses in that three-block area in the Fillmore-Peckham area.  Now, we can raze about 30 structures and build out Olympic Stadium on that site.


Another thing you see: more vacant lots.  Since it's the Summer Olympics, those can be our parking lots.  If you're worried about mud in the event of rain, we can take the asphalt from the two streets we tore up and use it as gravel in the lots.

You may be asking yourself: what do we do with this stadium after the Games?  This would be the new home for Buffalo's pro football team.  Think about it.  We used to play in an inner-city stadium.  Then we moved to the suburbs.  Now, we move back to the inner-city.  Plus, we would need more area since the Canadian Football League fields are 40 feet wider and about 120 feet longer (You don't think the NFL will still be in town in 2020, do you?).

Can you imagine the 26-mile marathon being run through the Emslie section of town?  The top ten finishers would be so scared they might all break the Olympic record.  How about Greco-Roman wrestling inside the Broadway Market?  Equestrian in Genesee Moselle and Road Cycling in Willert Park.  I can see the medals piling up now.  If you're going to the First Ward to watch kayaking, do NOT throw your empties at the competitors on the Buffalo River.

In a lot of other Olympic cities, there are billions of dollars spent on security.  Not here.  The terrorists don't want to go to the Commodore Perry Projects - er - Athlete's Village.  And we can easily house the foreign press in some of those houses still left up around the new stadium.  Lots of space for their satellites and trucks.

Maybe instead of a cauldron we can light up a vacant house on the East Side as an Olympic torch.  We'll get Irv Weinstein out of retirement to talk about it, like he did on Eyewitness News. (A fearless First Ward firebug starts a 12-alarmer that had Buffalo blaze busters on their terribly tired toes all night).

There's still a lot of other things to work out, like the merchandising of the mascots.  I found a cartoon online that is a start - two bison who drink beer.


As for the names of the Olympic mascots, I'm leaning towards Jimmy and Byron (after two Buffalo mayors).

But, at one point, Lake Placid was just some guy's dream.

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Friday, January 14, 2011

"The Jews ate my pudding."

One goal in life is to spend as much time around people you enjoy being with and as little time around people who annoy you.

Now, these people who bug the poop out of you could be neighbors, classmates, and co-workers.  Although you can take steps to avoid most of these people, co-workers are the tough ones.  You may walk past them every morning.  You may sit near them a few times during your shift.  Or, you may just have interact with them all day long.

So what do you do?  You can let all of that anger sit inside of you...or you can enjoy it.  One way to do that is to play "Workplace Bingo."

It's a fun game.  Just think of all the sayings this person says over and over again and place them on an imaginary bingo board.  You could even divide them in categories like exclamations, excuses and others to blame.  If an IT guy comes to your cubicle and says, "Jesus, I can't believe Tom did this.  What was he thinking?  I don't have time to do this.  I can't always fix his crap."  You can just smile to co-workers and say, "Bingo!"

One day a co-worker was whining and cursing.  I turned to someone and said, "my card's filling up fast."  Later I said, "I almost have all the squares filled.  I just need one more, but it's a tough one and I don't think I'll get it.  In order to have a cover-all board I need him to say: 'The Jews ate my pudding'."

Of course, it was funny because it makes no sense.  Two concepts that aren't related to each other.  I don't know any frustrated employee blurting that out.  I don't know ANYONE who could say those five words, in order, in any situation.  But what if you did have this imaginary bingo board and you did need someone to say this phrase.  Could you trick him?  How could you do it?

STEP ONE:  This person needs to have pudding...and really like it.

Kids like pudding.  Adults couldn't care less about it.  So the guy must really like pudding in general, or you have to have really good stuff.  Maybe get some crème brulée and stress it's just pudding - but tell him it is his and his alone.  So, in his heart, he can say "This is MY pudding."

STEP TWO: Someone needs to eat his pudding

He has to keep it in his lunchbox.  Maybe tell him he has to guard it and keep it protected.  Then, simply empty the bowl but leave the container where he can see it.  A dirty spoon might help to prove that it was "eaten."  In his heart he can say, "Someone ATE my pudding."

STEP THREE:  We have to blame it on "the Jews"

What the hell do we do here?  It's not so much that one person did it.  We have to blame an entire ethnoreligious group.  Maybe the person is anti-Semitic.  Maybe he is paranoid.  Maybe he's in the Tea Party.  I don't know, but we have to get him to believe that a nation and a culture did it.  We could leave a yarmulke next to the dirty spoon, but if he was a dumb redneck he might think it's a beanie and say, "The Little Rascals ate my pudding."  It would be a lot easier if Mel Gibson was your co-worker.

STEP FOUR: We have to get him to say the phrase

Here is a tough one.  He has to be so outraged that he says that sentence.  Maybe it could be a Mission Impossible scenario where the Taliban will control all of the world's oil and gold if they get their hands on the guy's pudding.  We sent Israeli spies to control the situation.  Finally, he could let out a sigh and say, "Whew, that was a close one. The Jews ate my pudding before the terrorists did."

I said this story would look good in my blog.  A guy looked at our co-workers and yelled "Bingo!"

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Move over Oprah - Heeeere's Johnny

Oprah Winfrey just launched her "OWN" cable network.   It sounds like a great idea for somebody with a bigger-than-life ego to start a cable channel with full editorial and programming control.

Which brings me to this:




Yep, if she can do the OWN, I can rock the JWN.  My network, my shows, my thoughts, my fantasies.  24/7.

Now, we won't start this right away.  Oprah started on 1/1/11.  I'm looking at 1/2/12.  That gives me a whole year to clean out the garage and turn it into a TV studio.

The budget will be tight, but I came up with a great concept.  Instead of showing self-help broadcasting during the day and informercials late at night, I will put the two of them together.   Who says you can't discuss relationship issues while demonstrating the Magic Bullet?  Your husband won't tell you his true feelings?  How about we make some homemade salsa with him?   She's always jealous?  Here's a fresh smoothie...tell me more.

Other shows still in development:
  • Let's Talk Infidelity with the Shark Vac and Steamer
  • Balancing your Budget the Oxy Clean Way
  • Bachelorette Shake Weight
  • Sham Wow's Teen Moms
  • Jack LaLanne's Power Juicing Paternity Tests
  • Thighmaster Online Predator Boot Camp
  • Amish Heat Surge Fireplace Nanny
  • Time Life Golden Age of Country Collection Celebrity Rehab
That last one just doesn't roll off the tongue, does it?

Even with all the info money, I can see production costs rising and rising.  So here's another way to save a few bucks.  Oprah started a search competition for the "Next TV Star" for her network.  She had over 15,000 people enter, either be submitting a video or showing up in person at auditions.  The top ten are currently competing to get their show.  What about the others?

Every person who entered for Oprah's network will get a one-hour show on mine.  They will tape their show in their homes, with their own guests, and mail the tape to me.  I will broadcast it.  However, I will not tell people when their show will be on.  So I will have million of friends and families watching at the beginning of every hour to see if their Fred or Stella will be broadcast.  I bombard people with advertising before the show starts.  When they find out Fred's show isn't on, they got another 50 minutes to do housework before the next one starts.

Well, I have to work on a pilot for a cooking show - I'm going to sneak up to my neighbor's kitchen window and put my smart phone against it.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

♫ "Oh, Give me a domain..."

There are three ways I go to a webpage.  Either I have the page bookmarked, it is a link found on another page or I do a Yahoo Search.  I NEVER type in the URL in the address bar.  I think I'm afraid I might add or forget a letter and wind up on some German porn site by accident (and end up in some deep Scheiße). For example, if I wanted to go to the Aurora Players website (which is bookmarked already), I would type it into the search engine, then click on the correct link after reading the various descriptions to make sure it's safe.

But the domain names are important.  They represent who you are.  So you need a strong name.  Of course, the shorter the better (in case people do type it in).  The official site for Barnes & Noble is:
www.barnesandnoble.com
but you can also get there by typing:
www.bn.com

There is a video site called hulu.com.  Officially, the name comes from two Mandarin Chinese words, one meaning a bottle gourd that, traditionally, was hollowed out to become a "holder of precious things," and the  other meaning is a more modern "interactive recording."  Of course, the fact that "hulu" is only four letters doesn't hurt, either.  For the record, "culu.com," "dulu.com," "fulu.com," "gulu.com" and "julu.com" are already registed domains.

Which brings me to today's fun topic: finding available domain names.  Now, the short three, four and five-word URL's that are easy to remember are all taken and either in use or "squatted" by people looking to sell them for quite the profit.  But if most people are like me and get to sites through links, any clever name works.

Let's look at business sites.  You want to make your site sound legitimate but you just want to use it as a way to inflate your ego.  Grab three words that go well together and you got it made.  The domain:
nationalbusinesstoday.com
is available.  Imagine what you could do with a site like that!




How about entertainment?  You can creatively have a music, television or movie site by grabbing a few words and making a catchy title.  The domain:
onstageweekly.com
is also available for purchase.



Did you notice I used the bottoms of the "O" and "S" to make the tops of the theater masks inside the "W" - cute, huh?  And did you notice that, in both headlines, I am working with somebody.  Geez, even in my wild, delusional fantasies I'm still dependent.  To make it sound fresh and timely, add a "daily" or "weekly" to the domain, even if you don't touch it for a month.  Or, if you spend a lot of time online in your boxers drinking coffee (AM) or beer (PM) you can put regular updates on the site.

Let's look at this blog.  What if I wanted to do a stand-alone site for my ramblings?  Good news!
noonethinkslikeido.com
is available.  But it looks like someone dropped a Scrabble game on the floor.  The last few letters of the domain look Japanese, too.  But what if I did the acronym?  N-O-T-L-I-D.  Hey, it's kind of clever in that it makes another concept.  I can use that throughout to site by having graphics of a jar without its lid.  I even came up with a logo.



Awesome.  There's only one problem.  NOTLID.COM is taken.  How?  It doesn't mean anything.  So I went to the website and it said "This domain name has just been registered."  Below that is a link saying "Why is this being displayed?"  When I clicked on it, it took me to a German page from a domain and website building company 1and1.  Someone in Germany is squatting on my site!  And they'll probably sell it to me for a lot of euros or marks or krauts or whatever they use there for currency.

And that is Scheiße.  I mean, real Scheiße eines Bullen

.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Two words: Bikini Partylite™

Sometimes you can take two separate things and make one great thing.

Macaroni + cheese

Jello + shots

Jello + girls wrestling

Now, I present a concept so fresh that someone will steal it, put on one of these shows and have a piece done on them by CNN : Bikini Partylite. (Yes, I do want the trademark for it.)

Now, we all know what Partylite is.  It's this company that has parties at someone's home where you can buy candles and candle cups and candle holders and other candle accessories (do people really go through so many candles that they need to replenish them so often?).  These parties are usually held by a hostess for other women.

Well, hold on to your aprons because Bikini Partylite™ is a party for men!  

At a standard Partylite get-together, the woman might nibble on appetizers and drink white wine.

At a Bikini Partylite™ get-together, the guys have wings, pizza, beer, maybe shots.  The hostess will come out in casual L.L. Bean attire - clamdiggers, sweater tied around her shoulders.  There is some small-talk and the guys are shown tealights and votive candles (small potatoes).  After a certain amount of time - say, $30 worth of merchandise sold, the hostess excuses herself.

When she returns, she is wearing a sarong (sarong, but so right!) or some other wrap.  Here, the guys may take another shot.  The music may get turned up and the lights may be dimmed.  Now, we start talking about pillars.  When another level is reached - say, $100 - the wrap gets peeled off to showcase a bikini in a skimpy robe.  We hit the scented candles and jars.  When another dollar level is reached, another piece of clothing is removed.  (It should be noted that, unlike a standard Partylite gathering where items are ordered and paid for later, the Bikini Partylite™ shindigs are cash, that night only.)

The hostess may pull down a shoulder strap and say "If you order tonight, I can take 10% off all three-wick candles.  Who wants me to take it off tonight?"

Faster than you can say "burning at both ends," the bills are in the air.  And, it's a win-win-win situation.  The hostess gets money.  The wife gets a gift that sort of looks like some thought and planning was put into it and the guy gets the same thing he would at a strip club.

I won't even describe what the hostess does with tapered candles.  Let's just say I bought Grandma a dozen sconces for her birthday...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

THE HUGH HEFNER DATING GAME

Hey, guess what I read? Hugh Hefner is getting married.

Hugh Hefner is 84 years old. His fiance, Crystal Harris, is a 24 years old model. That's a 60-year difference. To me, that's quite a lot. Do you know how long six decades are?

That's ten years before John Kennedy was elected president.

North and South Korea just started slapping each other around.

Desi loved Lucille Ball, but they were still a year away from starting "I Love Lucy."

Charles Shultz first started drawing "Peanuts."  That was a lo-o-o-ong time ago.

Hugh Hefner is getting married. He is 84-years old. You know who else is 84? Dick Van Dyke, who was tripping over an ottoman in black-and-white in the early 60s. Another TV star from the 60s was Mayberry's Sheriff, Andy Griffith. Mel Brooks was writing for "Your Show of Shows" in the 1950s. Jerry Lewis was headlining with Dean Martin in the mid-40s. And Harry Dean Stanton was scaring people on film as early as 1959.  Joe Paterno is still coaching at Penn State, where he holds the record for most Division I wins.

So, Hef is marrying a 24-year old.  There's a lot of 24-year old actresses.  Mischa Barton and Amanda Bynes are 24.  So is that girl from Glee, Michelle Lea.  Cute little Carey Mulligan was nominated for an Oscar for "An Education."  And we can't forget the number one recording artist today: Lady Gaga.  Last but not least, the "Sexiest Woman in the World," Megan Fox, is also 24.

What am I getting at?  If Hugh Hefner can get engaged to Crystal Harris, why can't those guys hook up with one of those girls?  So let's play the HUGH HEFNER DATING GAME.

First off, grab a pair of dice.  If you can get one of each color, great.  If not, you can take the left one on the roll as the "guy" one and the right one as the "girl" one.  Or you can take one die and roll it twice.  If that's too much, just randomly pick a pair of numbers from one to six.  Geez.

Then, find your couple based on the chart below.



Say you roll snake eyes.  Dick Van Dyke can go clubbing with Amanda Bynes.  Box cars?  I wonder where the future Mrs. Megan Fox Paterno is registered.

Seriously, if you saw Carey Mulligan walking with Harry Dean Stanton, you'd figure a nursing school graduate was walking a patient around the home.

Here - let me do EVERYTHING for you. Click right on the dice to get your couple. Again, the left one is the stud. The right one is the chick.




Or maybe...just maybe, I got it all wrong. Maybe it IS love.

Or a publicity gimmick.  I mean, Hef did get me to write this post, didn't he?