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Ever since I can remember, I've been fascinated with letters.  Not only words and writing (we'll save that for another day), but the shape of them.  The fonts, the geometrics, the symbolism, the effects and manipulation...

One of the earliest memories of letters were the initials on baseball caps and other sports gear.  In the 1960s, teams did not have three and four-color computer-generated artwork embroidered on their hats like today.  It usually was an initial, occasionally two or three.  I always wondered why teams chose looks for their identity.  Why did teams like Detroit and Oakland decide to use Olde English style fonts...

...while other teams like Philadelphia, Atlanta and Washington use script?

Why did the Cubs use a perfectly round "C" logo while Cincinnati had a wishbone?

Why did Cleveland have the same wishbone "C" in different colors?  Why did the Minnesota Twins, of all teams, have a wishbone "C" on their caps?  And the Chicago Bears also had this letter.  Was there no other font out there to use?  Couldn't someone buy an Olde English one?

(just to let you know, Minnesota's cap initials stand for "Twin Cities.")

Later, I saw teams manipulating a letter to include symbolism, like the Atlanta Flames adding fire to their A, or 

This logo also includes another course I loved: geometry.  It is a series of three circles: the red one, the yellow which is twice the diameter as the first, and the blue which is three times the diameter as the red.  The circles form the letter W, and the negative spaces form two J's.

2012 SUPER BOWL POOL

Joe and Teresa and Kim and Pee-Wee

It's been a long time since I posted something, but that doesn't mean I haven't had ideas.

A few months ago I was at the deli waiting for my sandwich when I glanced over at the magazine rack and saw this:

It's a photo of Joe and Teresa (I thought the same thing but, yes, that is a woman) and their "over-the-top second wedding."  

I don't really care about those gossippy (did I invent a word?) celebrity magazines.  But there was one big thing that caught my eye.  Look again at the cover and tell me if you see it.

Well, did you find it?  Keep looking...

So, did you see it?  No?  Well, neither did I.  The thing that I was amazed at in this cover story is that it never tells who these two people are.  Which means the editors, and the degenerate readers, think everybody knows who Joe and Teresa are.

It turns out she is one of those Real Housewives of New Jersey (or Real Desperate).  That issue was from mid-September.  

Then I saw this one last week, dated October 25.

I'm serious, people.  That is a woman.  Honest!  And she has an "exclusive" tell-all.  Wow!  It's going to take a while to digest all the secrets and all the juicy gossip that they are going to dish out.

Guess what?  Here is the November 1 issue, that came out only a week later:

Geez Louise!   Again?  It makes you wonder if these women publish the magazine (and I swear it wouldn't surprise me if they announced that all three of these women are really men in drag).  But the sad thing is, the magazines need articles to publish.  The reality shows need publicity to get viewers.  They feed off of each other so much that they do become what they are: famous people and best-selling magazines.

Come on.  If no one else cares to publish your article or photos, does it automatically become an "exclusive" feature?

Which brings me to that last cover.  Look at the top right corner.

Oh yes, the fake marriage.  Here is a woman whose claim to fame was a porn tape (where a rapper went pee-pee on her) and now she's on top of the world.  Why?  Because she has all these cameras following her for her reality show.  And she feeds the magazines with "exclusives" and the magazines build interest in her show.  And it makes money for everyone.

Here is one last set of photos.

The top one shows Paul Reubens dressed up as Pee Wee Herman.  When people see him dressed in that grey suit, they know he is an actor playing a fictional character.  If Pee-Wee says he is buying a car, building a house or getting married, we don't really believe it because he is "in character."

In the bottom photo we see Kim.  I think we should start thinking of her as the "female Pee-Wee."  Whenever we see her in front of a camera, she is playing a character and improvising, just like Reubens does with Pee-Wee.  If she says she is getting married, she's not really in love.  It's just her character.  If she gets a divorce, it's just pretend.  If there's a camera in front of her, don't believe anything.

Think about it:  did she fall in love with a guy, decide to get married, and THEN have it filmed for her show?  Or did she decide it would be a good plotline if she got married, made arrangements to get all these sponsorships (a reported $10,000,000 cost for the wedding) and then find an "actor" to play her boyfriend.

One of the things I read was that her husband wasn't comfortable with cameras following them throughout their days.  Really?  That is part of her act.  How can't you like that?

The sad thing is, a lot of average people who want to be reality stars will make some bad choices.  Would Anna Nicole be alive today if she didn't have to act out her life in front of her cameras?  (Would Anna Nicole be able to make a living if they didn't follow her?)  Would the Octomom have had so many children if she knew no one had any interest in seeing her?  There was another "Real Housewife" who was lost at sea recently and had to be rescued.   Really?  Lost with all those cameramen?   And then there is the mother who sent Dr. Phil a video of her disciplining her son with hot sauce.  Why?  To get on TV and become famous (or infamous).

I think it should all come full circle.  The media should start peeing on Kim at the end of her career, just like Ray J did at the beginning of hers.

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Memphis over Buffalo and Chicago

While bouncing around Netflix last Sunday, I saw that the musical Memphis was available.  This was the Tony winner for best musical in 2010 and it will be coming to Shea's this spring.  It was taped in HD and shown in theaters in April and the producers took that 2+ hour performance and put it on streaming video, although a DVD copy is not available for rental.

http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Memphis/70165415

My wife watched it last weekend, and I watched it this Saturday night.  It really was a great show with early R&B rock and roll music, great characters and a story that grabbed you.  My wife said it was just like RENT without the drugs (she was joking about that.  She loves RENT.)

Why is this a big deal?  Why is it worth writing in a blog?

Because I chose to watch the musical over the Bills game.

Granted, it was a meaningless, preseason game that turned out to be low-scoring (10-3), I still avoided it.

Next Saturday I'll be at Project Stage III in East Aurora instead of watching the Bills-Broncos game from Denver.

And it's not just these two games.

I plan...TO GO THROUGH THE WHOLE SEASON WITHOUT WATCHING A BILLS GAME!

Oh sure, I'll read the previews and look at the post-game wrap-ups, but I will try to do something other than sit in front of the TV or near a radio and pay attection to the action.  I've spent 40+ years watching Bills games and, with the exception of those Super Bowl teams and other playoff action, there's not that much to get excited about.  The last 11 years without a postseason have just been a waste.

When I talk about watching the games my neighbor always says, "Well, it will all be in tomorrow's paper."  I think it's time to change things up.

Of course, if the Bills start the season 6-0, I may have to start watching.

Because 2011 might be "the year."

♫ Only the horny

Here's the cover to my latest album (or as the kids say, "my latest CD") called Only the Horny. 

It's filled with classic songs with the word "lonely" replaced with the word "horny." The words are so interchangeable.

 The album starts off with the Beatles 

• Sgt. Pepper's Horny Hearts Club Band

Then we get the title track from Roy Orbison

• Dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah Oh-oh-oh-oh-wah
  Only the horny
  Know the way I feel tonight

Then some classics...

• Owner of a horny heart.
• I'm such a horny boy. Horny and blue. I'm all alone with nothin' to do.
• Horny...I'm Mister Horny
• Hey there horny girl

How about the great Elvis Presley?

• I get so horny baby
  I get so horny, I get so horny I could die 

Or the equally great Led Zepplin...

• Let me get it back, baby, where I come from.
  It’s been a long time, been a long time,
  Been a long horny, horny, horny, horny, horny time.

Or the semi-great John Mellencamp...

• It’s a horny ol’ night
  Can I put my arms around you
  It’s a horny ol’ night
  Custom made for two horny people like me and you 
  
  

 A few more oldies

• Horny days, horny nights
• Horny teardrops,
• Show Me the Meaning of Being Horny
  
  

 And we'll finish up with another Beatles' classic

• Ah - - - look at all the horny people
  Ah - - - look at all the horny people

I worry that it might sell millions of copies and I might get too famous. 

I heard it's horny at the top...I mean, lonely at the top.

 

♫ Stalag 16 - Going on 17

I just got the word that my new show was NOT chosen to be the musical in the AP 2012 season.

I guess we'll have to wait another year for...

The working title was Stalag 16 - Going on 17, even thought it took place in Stalag 13.  And what a great show it was going to be. 

It was going to start out on a crisp morning with Sgt. Schultz singing...

...and finishing up with all of Nazi leaders in a rousing chorus of...

We then go inside the barracks where we meet the prisoners...

...before they all jump into the showers.

Klink tells Schultz what it means to be a German in the 20th century (start snapping your fingers)

Frenchman LeBeau does his show-stopper. "If I were a Ger - man"

The only black prisoner, Kinchloe, didn't have much to do in the TV show.  He couldn't "disguise" himself and mingle with the Germans, so he mostly stayed in the barracks.  It was the same problem here, until we gave him this song:

You know what?  That was bad even for this show.  We dropped the song from the final book.

Not to be outdone, Sgt. Schultz gets into the act with his version of a Irving Berlin classic

And we added one from Cole Porter...

 

 

Colonel Hogan wants to sneak off to Bavaria with Klink's secretary.

  

But, you know, with all these hijinks, the German leaders are not happy with what's going on in Stalag 13

So that was my musical.  Maybe I should add some more songs before I resubmit it.  Tunes with "swastika" and "dachshund" and "Third Reich" in the lyrics.  

"Don't cry for me, Baden-Württemberg "

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America's Next Great Restaurant...MINE!

NBC has a new program, America's Next Great Restaurant, where "people from every walk of life will vie for the opportunity of a lifetime to see their original restaurant concept spring to life."

I'll admit, I don't have a burning desire to start a restaurant.  But I do like money.  So here are my ideas for a restaurant.

Say you're at the mall and you want a bite to eat.  The food court has a lot of ethnic foods - pizza, burritos, Chicken Teriyaki, egg rolls, sometimes souvlaki.  But what if you want some Polish food. Where do you go?

That's right, the Groggy Pierogi.  What king do you want?  Cheese?  Kraut?  Yeah, we got those...but we got so many others.  Look at what we stuff inside out dough!

• Taco  pierogi
• Philly Cheesesteak pierogi
• Bacon Lettuce Tomato pierogi
• General Tso's pierogi
• Buffalo wing pierogi
• Scottish haggis pierogi
• Fried bologna and onions pierogi
• Pulled pork pierogi (known as the Triple P)
• Manicotti pierogi

The goal is to have as many different types as we can.   You name it, we'll stuff it and mass-produce them all over the country.  Did someone say Sloppy Joes pierogi?

The only obstacle is the name.  I wanted "Kooky Pierogi" or "Goofy Pierogi" or "Ka-Ka-Krazy Pierogi" but I went with a rhyming name.   We could do a lot of marketing with "Groggy" ("Our accountants are so sleepy, we're cutting our prices and they'll never know.") but we could use an amphibian whose face looks like a green spinach-flavored one...

Another thing is fusion.  Let's mix Polish dishes with another culture's food.  How about some Escargot and Kielbasa?

Now, the big thing with Jacques Careff is it sounds like "p-SHAH KREFF" (Polish: psia krew) which is a Polish swear word.  If you look it up online, a lot of posters say it is a meaningless "dog's blood."  But what if it's a feminine dog?  Does "bitch's blood" sound nastier?  Think of non-English people looking at our swear words.  Son-of-a-dog?  Harmless.  His talk is all manure from cattle.  Doesn't have the same impact.

While we're on the topic of wordplay, how about a Polish Sports bar?

Where else could we go with Polish fusion?  How about half-Polish, half-Brazilian?

Kiel-Bossa Nova?

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