America's Next Great Restaurant...MINE!

NBC has a new program, America's Next Great Restaurant, where "people from every walk of life will vie for the opportunity of a lifetime to see their original restaurant concept spring to life."

I'll admit, I don't have a burning desire to start a restaurant.  But I do like money.  So here are my ideas for a restaurant.

Say you're at the mall and you want a bite to eat.  The food court has a lot of ethnic foods - pizza, burritos, Chicken Teriyaki, egg rolls, sometimes souvlaki.  But what if you want some Polish food. Where do you go?

That's right, the Groggy Pierogi.  What king do you want?  Cheese?  Kraut?  Yeah, we got those...but we got so many others.  Look at what we stuff inside out dough!

• Taco  pierogi
• Philly Cheesesteak pierogi
• Bacon Lettuce Tomato pierogi
• General Tso's pierogi
• Buffalo wing pierogi
• Scottish haggis pierogi
• Fried bologna and onions pierogi
• Pulled pork pierogi (known as the Triple P)
• Manicotti pierogi

The goal is to have as many different types as we can.   You name it, we'll stuff it and mass-produce them all over the country.  Did someone say Sloppy Joes pierogi?

The only obstacle is the name.  I wanted "Kooky Pierogi" or "Goofy Pierogi" or "Ka-Ka-Krazy Pierogi" but I went with a rhyming name.   We could do a lot of marketing with "Groggy" ("Our accountants are so sleepy, we're cutting our prices and they'll never know.") but we could use an amphibian whose face looks like a green spinach-flavored one...

Another thing is fusion.  Let's mix Polish dishes with another culture's food.  How about some Escargot and Kielbasa?

Now, the big thing with Jacques Careff is it sounds like "p-SHAH KREFF" (Polish: psia krew) which is a Polish swear word.  If you look it up online, a lot of posters say it is a meaningless "dog's blood."  But what if it's a feminine dog?  Does "bitch's blood" sound nastier?  Think of non-English people looking at our swear words.  Son-of-a-dog?  Harmless.  His talk is all manure from cattle.  Doesn't have the same impact.

While we're on the topic of wordplay, how about a Polish Sports bar?

Where else could we go with Polish fusion?  How about half-Polish, half-Brazilian?

Kiel-Bossa Nova?

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Church Dick

I was reading the Editorial section of the Buffalo News a few days ago.

In the "My View" column, there was a piece written by a Massachusetts native who was moving to Hamburg.  She read good things about the area, but she also read bad things.  Then I came to this line:

"...we had a wonderful feeling about the church Dick?"   Oh, did you?

It got me wondering who she was talking about.  Was there a parishioner who was well-endowed and is responsible for taking care of the ladies?  (You do notice the "D" is capitalized.  Is this a case of religious capitalization?  As in "...there was a painting of Him on the altar.")

Then I started to wonder if there was a jerk who hung around the church and did practical jokes to bug people.

"Who put the whoopie cushion on the kneeler in the confessional?"
"Oh, it's probably the work of that church dick."

 "Why are there bubbles coming out when they play the pipe organ?"
"Oh, the church dick is up to his old tricks."

"Why is the altar wine warm and why does it smell like asparagus?"
"What the hell is wrong with that church dick?"

But I think it might be a parish private investigator.  "Dick" is a slang term for a detective.

"Who is stealing the collection plate money?  Looks like a job for the Church Dick."

It would be an easy job in the Catholic Church.  If there's any wrongdoing, always point to a priest.


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Something happened...

Joseph Heller's first novel, Catch-22, was published in 1961.  It was a huge book that was made into a motion picture and whose title became a catchphrase for something that's an absurd "lose-lose" situation. 

His second novel, Something Happened, was published in 1974 - thirteen years later.  I remember seeing something about this on TV around that time.  Heller meant to write another book sooner but he was involved in screenplays and TV and movie projects.  When asked why it took so long to do another novel, his reply was "something happened."

That is why I'm using it as the title of this entry into my blog.  My New Year's resolution was to write a blog with all the funny, creative things that go on.  In January, I had ten different posts, which averages to one every three days.  My last one was on January 26.  Today is February 11.  Why haven't I posted anything?  Well, Something happened.

Around the time of my last posting, I pulled a muscle in my upper back.  It was just a little pain around the ribcage.  But over the next few days it went to my neck muscles, then shoulder, left arm and all the way into my left elbow.

I took a trip to my D.O. doctor, got an adjustment and prescriptions for Lortab (pain reliever) and Flexeril (muscle relaxant).   I feel I should put these pills in Pez dispensers because I take them so much. 

When I wake up, my arm is in so much pain that I hold it close to my chest - almost as if it was in a sling.  The first thing I do it eat something and take the pills (I don't want to pop the pills on an empty stomach).  As I wait for them to kick in, I'll make a pot of coffee.  Ahhhh, caffeine, pain killers and muscle relaxers.  What a way to start the day. 

In fact, I referred to this in one of my Facebook posts:

The problem with this situation is I'm either in too much pain/discomfort to write or I'm too relaxed to focus.  There really isn't an in-between.

Actually, I'm having a tough time just organizing the points in this.  But in the coming weeks I will have a lot of things to talk about.  I got updates on past postings and a whole bunch of new ideas.

But I thought the best step was just to do something...

And I did.  I explained how "something happened."

Johnny Woods Super Bowl Pool

A romantic weekend in Niagara Falls

A plush rocker-recliner or

A brand-new 1080-P HD television

What could YOU buy with $500 ???

Enter the new Johnny Woods Super Bowl pool today for FREE. 

YOU could win $500 if you have the numbers that match the final score.

Just register at www.poolhost.com (I chose the one that required the least info).  When you receive your e-mail verification just log in and follow these steps:

• On the left column you will see, in blue, "User Tools"
• Click "Join a Private Pool"
• Click on the upper right graphic, "Superbowl Squares"
• Pool Login Name: NOTLID
• Pool Password: woods1 (case sensitive)
• On the left column, in blue, click on "Pool Options" and "Make Picks"
• Click on five open squares and hit "Select Squares"

That's all there is to it.  And best of all, it's FREE.

There is a limit of five squares per e-mail address.  So the pool is only open to the first 20 players (I already took my squares, so it's down to 19).

On the day before the Super Bowl, random numbers will be chosen.  You could win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score.

Good luck!





OK, let me explain the whole "You could win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score."

I don't have a lot of money for this, so I bought a New York Lottery "Loose Change" ticket (numbered 159).  Sometime after the game I will scratch off the ticket to see what the winner gets.  It might be a dollar.  Two dollars.  Five dollars.  It could be as high as $500.  Or, it could be nothing.  

The key is "You COULD win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score."  
I never said "You will win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score."

There will be a video posted of the scratching, and you know how I like playing with my movie program.   Again, it's free to enter.

And hey, you never know.


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JWN Network Intro

Here is the intro that will be used before shows on the JWN Network.  (Note: Due to unforeseen circumstances, "Jack LaLanne's Power Juicing Paternity Tests" will NOT be on the schedule)

It is similar to the one I posted on Facebook, but I added some transitional fading.  I also changed the catchphrase so it would rhyme (I mean, folks, what could I rhyme with "class"?) and the "TM" symbol.  I think the "TM" on the end is hysterical.

I had a hell of a time putting this video online.  It uploaded on blogger.com fast, but the "processing" took hours before I canceled it.  So I did it again but saved it in a smaller file.  That's why it may seem blurry.

I was thinking about this all night Monday at work - how to do it, what to do, where to put slides, how to use sound.  When I got home I jumped on the computer and played with it.  (Please...no jokes about me being on the computer and playing with it).

When I was finished I posted it on Facebook and went to sleep with a smile on my face.  (Please...no jokes about me being on the computer and playing with it, then going to sleep with a smile on my face when I was finished).  Lots of positive responses.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Golden Apey Awards

It's that time of year again - time for the Aurora Players Annual Banquet and 2010 Awards.

The past season has been a great one for East Aurora theatergoers.  Namely because for the first time in a while I have not been in any of the productions (my last show was Spring 2009)

So, we have the Acting Awards.  The Aurora Players Awards. The Roycroft Pavilion Awards.  The East Aurora Stage Awards.  There has to be a catchier name for this.  And I'm the kind of guy to look for one.

Let's look at the Grammy Awards.  The statue has a little gramophone on it, so it's shortened to Grammy.  Ours are plastic (see photo below with our 2008 winners).  The Plasties?  The Plexies?  The Lucitees?  

 
Plexiglas is Polymethyl methacrylate, better known by its abbreviation, PMMA.  How about the Pummas?

The background for the name of the Oscar Awards is up in the air, but everything points to it looking like someone, from the first husband of Bette Davis to King Oscar II of Sweden.  If we had a person on our statue we could have a contest to see who it looks like.  But since it's just a flat surface we would have to name it after someone flat.  The Keira Knightley Awards?  (Ooooh  - Ricky Gervais would be so proud of me).

According to their website, the Emmy Award was originally going to be called "Ike" after the television iconoscope tube, but they wanted something that didn't remind people of Eisenhower.   An engineer suggested "Immy," a term commonly used for the early image orthicon camera.  This was later modified to "Emmy."  So, we could name it after something used in the theater.  Curtains?  Fake brick walls?  Pancake make-up?  Hairspray?  Spotlights?  Bloated Egos?  The only unique things that East Aurora has are mulled cider and everything done in Roycroft fonts.

The Tony Awards are given for Broadway productions and are named after Antoinette Perry, who founded Perry's Ice Cream.  I made that last part up.  She was an actress and co-founder of American Theater Wing, who presents the awards.  If only we could name it after someone great.  The Roiks (After Roycroft)?  Naw, sounds like a disease.  The Hubbards (after Elbert Hubbard)?  Sounds like a produce market.  The Woodsies?  Cute, clever, but may be a wee bit egotistical (bloated ego?). 

The Obie Awards are given for off-Broadway productions in New York.
Hmmm.  Off-Broadway = O.B. = Obie.

I think we have a winner!  Aurora Players = A.P. = Apey.

Presenting, the GOLDEN APEY AWARDS

We'll just get a few gorilla figurines, nail then to bases, spraypaint them and stick the Players' logo on it.  Brilliant.
 
Now let's see how those 2008 winners would look with their new awards.

Awesome!

Now, let's award this year's statues.  The ballots have to be postmarked by January 21.  Since the date has passed I can tell you who I chose without influencing other voters (like my opinion really matters).

Featured Actress
With her singing, acting and comic timing:
Jessica Goodison, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum"

Featured Actor
At the Oscars they call this a "supporting" actor.  As the sidekick to Pseudolus:
Chris Rimes, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum"

Lead Actress
When you got a husband and three sons fighting, you need a good matriarch.
Sue Musial, "The Lion in Winter"

Lead Actor
Three strong leads in this category.
Michael Starzynski, "Moon Over Buffalo"

There you have it.  One note: Ann Grimaldi was nominated twice in the Lead Actress category for two comedic roles, and I think her voting might get split because of it.

These will be awarded this Saturday, January 29.  We'll see how I did.  Oh, one more thing.  You would not believe how wrong I got these in the past.  One year I was 0-for-4 in my picks.  I really hope I didn't jinx anyone...


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LET'S GO HUMP !

If I owned a basketball team, I would call it the Buffalo Hump.

It's kind of catchy.  It is a part of a buffalo, and it sounds better than the Buffalo Hooves, Buffalo Horns or the Buffalo Beard.

It is singular, which is the cool thing in sports (Thunder, Wild, Lightning, Magic, Avalanche, Heat).

And...it would be fun to sit with thousands of people yelling, "LET'S GO HUMP."

 

I would prefer as many home games on the weekend, but if there were weekday games I would obviously prefer them to be on Wednesdays (obviously). 

There would be trivia contests at halftime where the correct answer gets you a team t-shirt.  But if you're wrong you get a dunce t-shirt.  

I'm looking at the name:  Hump T or Dumb T.

If the team gets behind but takes a commanding lead, you can say we're "over the hump."

Maybe we could use the Black Eyed Peas' song "My Humps" as our theme.  Maybe Engelbert Humperdinck could sing the anthem.

But there is one more thing I gotta check...

(sigh) the domain "buffalohump.com" has been taken but it is up for sale.

But "letsgohump.com" is available!  Oh, the possibilities...


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