Memphis over Buffalo and Chicago

While bouncing around Netflix last Sunday, I saw that the musical Memphis was available.  This was the Tony winner for best musical in 2010 and it will be coming to Shea's this spring.  It was taped in HD and shown in theaters in April and the producers took that 2+ hour performance and put it on streaming video, although a DVD copy is not available for rental.

http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Memphis/70165415

My wife watched it last weekend, and I watched it this Saturday night.  It really was a great show with early R&B rock and roll music, great characters and a story that grabbed you.  My wife said it was just like RENT without the drugs (she was joking about that.  She loves RENT.)

Why is this a big deal?  Why is it worth writing in a blog?

Because I chose to watch the musical over the Bills game.

Granted, it was a meaningless, preseason game that turned out to be low-scoring (10-3), I still avoided it.

Next Saturday I'll be at Project Stage III in East Aurora instead of watching the Bills-Broncos game from Denver.

And it's not just these two games.

I plan...TO GO THROUGH THE WHOLE SEASON WITHOUT WATCHING A BILLS GAME!

Oh sure, I'll read the previews and look at the post-game wrap-ups, but I will try to do something other than sit in front of the TV or near a radio and pay attection to the action.  I've spent 40+ years watching Bills games and, with the exception of those Super Bowl teams and other playoff action, there's not that much to get excited about.  The last 11 years without a postseason have just been a waste.

When I talk about watching the games my neighbor always says, "Well, it will all be in tomorrow's paper."  I think it's time to change things up.

Of course, if the Bills start the season 6-0, I may have to start watching.

Because 2011 might be "the year."

♫ Only the horny

Here's the cover to my latest album (or as the kids say, "my latest CD") called Only the Horny. 

It's filled with classic songs with the word "lonely" replaced with the word "horny." The words are so interchangeable.

 The album starts off with the Beatles 

• Sgt. Pepper's Horny Hearts Club Band

Then we get the title track from Roy Orbison

• Dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah Oh-oh-oh-oh-wah
  Only the horny
  Know the way I feel tonight

Then some classics...

• Owner of a horny heart.
• I'm such a horny boy. Horny and blue. I'm all alone with nothin' to do.
• Horny...I'm Mister Horny
• Hey there horny girl

How about the great Elvis Presley?

• I get so horny baby
  I get so horny, I get so horny I could die 

Or the equally great Led Zepplin...

• Let me get it back, baby, where I come from.
  It’s been a long time, been a long time,
  Been a long horny, horny, horny, horny, horny time.

Or the semi-great John Mellencamp...

• It’s a horny ol’ night
  Can I put my arms around you
  It’s a horny ol’ night
  Custom made for two horny people like me and you 
  
  

 A few more oldies

• Horny days, horny nights
• Horny teardrops,
• Show Me the Meaning of Being Horny
  
  

 And we'll finish up with another Beatles' classic

• Ah - - - look at all the horny people
  Ah - - - look at all the horny people

I worry that it might sell millions of copies and I might get too famous. 

I heard it's horny at the top...I mean, lonely at the top.

 

♫ Stalag 16 - Going on 17

I just got the word that my new show was NOT chosen to be the musical in the AP 2012 season.

I guess we'll have to wait another year for...

The working title was Stalag 16 - Going on 17, even thought it took place in Stalag 13.  And what a great show it was going to be. 

It was going to start out on a crisp morning with Sgt. Schultz singing...

...and finishing up with all of Nazi leaders in a rousing chorus of...

We then go inside the barracks where we meet the prisoners...

...before they all jump into the showers.

Klink tells Schultz what it means to be a German in the 20th century (start snapping your fingers)

Frenchman LeBeau does his show-stopper. "If I were a Ger - man"

The only black prisoner, Kinchloe, didn't have much to do in the TV show.  He couldn't "disguise" himself and mingle with the Germans, so he mostly stayed in the barracks.  It was the same problem here, until we gave him this song:

You know what?  That was bad even for this show.  We dropped the song from the final book.

Not to be outdone, Sgt. Schultz gets into the act with his version of a Irving Berlin classic

And we added one from Cole Porter...

 

 

Colonel Hogan wants to sneak off to Bavaria with Klink's secretary.

  

But, you know, with all these hijinks, the German leaders are not happy with what's going on in Stalag 13

So that was my musical.  Maybe I should add some more songs before I resubmit it.  Tunes with "swastika" and "dachshund" and "Third Reich" in the lyrics.  

"Don't cry for me, Baden-Württemberg "

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America's Next Great Restaurant...MINE!

NBC has a new program, America's Next Great Restaurant, where "people from every walk of life will vie for the opportunity of a lifetime to see their original restaurant concept spring to life."

I'll admit, I don't have a burning desire to start a restaurant.  But I do like money.  So here are my ideas for a restaurant.

Say you're at the mall and you want a bite to eat.  The food court has a lot of ethnic foods - pizza, burritos, Chicken Teriyaki, egg rolls, sometimes souvlaki.  But what if you want some Polish food. Where do you go?

That's right, the Groggy Pierogi.  What king do you want?  Cheese?  Kraut?  Yeah, we got those...but we got so many others.  Look at what we stuff inside out dough!

• Taco  pierogi
• Philly Cheesesteak pierogi
• Bacon Lettuce Tomato pierogi
• General Tso's pierogi
• Buffalo wing pierogi
• Scottish haggis pierogi
• Fried bologna and onions pierogi
• Pulled pork pierogi (known as the Triple P)
• Manicotti pierogi

The goal is to have as many different types as we can.   You name it, we'll stuff it and mass-produce them all over the country.  Did someone say Sloppy Joes pierogi?

The only obstacle is the name.  I wanted "Kooky Pierogi" or "Goofy Pierogi" or "Ka-Ka-Krazy Pierogi" but I went with a rhyming name.   We could do a lot of marketing with "Groggy" ("Our accountants are so sleepy, we're cutting our prices and they'll never know.") but we could use an amphibian whose face looks like a green spinach-flavored one...

Another thing is fusion.  Let's mix Polish dishes with another culture's food.  How about some Escargot and Kielbasa?

Now, the big thing with Jacques Careff is it sounds like "p-SHAH KREFF" (Polish: psia krew) which is a Polish swear word.  If you look it up online, a lot of posters say it is a meaningless "dog's blood."  But what if it's a feminine dog?  Does "bitch's blood" sound nastier?  Think of non-English people looking at our swear words.  Son-of-a-dog?  Harmless.  His talk is all manure from cattle.  Doesn't have the same impact.

While we're on the topic of wordplay, how about a Polish Sports bar?

Where else could we go with Polish fusion?  How about half-Polish, half-Brazilian?

Kiel-Bossa Nova?

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Church Dick

I was reading the Editorial section of the Buffalo News a few days ago.

In the "My View" column, there was a piece written by a Massachusetts native who was moving to Hamburg.  She read good things about the area, but she also read bad things.  Then I came to this line:

"...we had a wonderful feeling about the church Dick?"   Oh, did you?

It got me wondering who she was talking about.  Was there a parishioner who was well-endowed and is responsible for taking care of the ladies?  (You do notice the "D" is capitalized.  Is this a case of religious capitalization?  As in "...there was a painting of Him on the altar.")

Then I started to wonder if there was a jerk who hung around the church and did practical jokes to bug people.

"Who put the whoopie cushion on the kneeler in the confessional?"
"Oh, it's probably the work of that church dick."

 "Why are there bubbles coming out when they play the pipe organ?"
"Oh, the church dick is up to his old tricks."

"Why is the altar wine warm and why does it smell like asparagus?"
"What the hell is wrong with that church dick?"

But I think it might be a parish private investigator.  "Dick" is a slang term for a detective.

"Who is stealing the collection plate money?  Looks like a job for the Church Dick."

It would be an easy job in the Catholic Church.  If there's any wrongdoing, always point to a priest.


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Something happened...

Joseph Heller's first novel, Catch-22, was published in 1961.  It was a huge book that was made into a motion picture and whose title became a catchphrase for something that's an absurd "lose-lose" situation. 

His second novel, Something Happened, was published in 1974 - thirteen years later.  I remember seeing something about this on TV around that time.  Heller meant to write another book sooner but he was involved in screenplays and TV and movie projects.  When asked why it took so long to do another novel, his reply was "something happened."

That is why I'm using it as the title of this entry into my blog.  My New Year's resolution was to write a blog with all the funny, creative things that go on.  In January, I had ten different posts, which averages to one every three days.  My last one was on January 26.  Today is February 11.  Why haven't I posted anything?  Well, Something happened.

Around the time of my last posting, I pulled a muscle in my upper back.  It was just a little pain around the ribcage.  But over the next few days it went to my neck muscles, then shoulder, left arm and all the way into my left elbow.

I took a trip to my D.O. doctor, got an adjustment and prescriptions for Lortab (pain reliever) and Flexeril (muscle relaxant).   I feel I should put these pills in Pez dispensers because I take them so much. 

When I wake up, my arm is in so much pain that I hold it close to my chest - almost as if it was in a sling.  The first thing I do it eat something and take the pills (I don't want to pop the pills on an empty stomach).  As I wait for them to kick in, I'll make a pot of coffee.  Ahhhh, caffeine, pain killers and muscle relaxers.  What a way to start the day. 

In fact, I referred to this in one of my Facebook posts:

The problem with this situation is I'm either in too much pain/discomfort to write or I'm too relaxed to focus.  There really isn't an in-between.

Actually, I'm having a tough time just organizing the points in this.  But in the coming weeks I will have a lot of things to talk about.  I got updates on past postings and a whole bunch of new ideas.

But I thought the best step was just to do something...

And I did.  I explained how "something happened."

Johnny Woods Super Bowl Pool

A romantic weekend in Niagara Falls

A plush rocker-recliner or

A brand-new 1080-P HD television

What could YOU buy with $500 ???

Enter the new Johnny Woods Super Bowl pool today for FREE. 

YOU could win $500 if you have the numbers that match the final score.

Just register at www.poolhost.com (I chose the one that required the least info).  When you receive your e-mail verification just log in and follow these steps:

• On the left column you will see, in blue, "User Tools"
• Click "Join a Private Pool"
• Click on the upper right graphic, "Superbowl Squares"
• Pool Login Name: NOTLID
• Pool Password: woods1 (case sensitive)
• On the left column, in blue, click on "Pool Options" and "Make Picks"
• Click on five open squares and hit "Select Squares"

That's all there is to it.  And best of all, it's FREE.

There is a limit of five squares per e-mail address.  So the pool is only open to the first 20 players (I already took my squares, so it's down to 19).

On the day before the Super Bowl, random numbers will be chosen.  You could win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score.

Good luck!





OK, let me explain the whole "You could win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score."

I don't have a lot of money for this, so I bought a New York Lottery "Loose Change" ticket (numbered 159).  Sometime after the game I will scratch off the ticket to see what the winner gets.  It might be a dollar.  Two dollars.  Five dollars.  It could be as high as $500.  Or, it could be nothing.  

The key is "You COULD win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score."  
I never said "You will win $500 if your numbers match the last digits of the final score."

There will be a video posted of the scratching, and you know how I like playing with my movie program.   Again, it's free to enter.

And hey, you never know.


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