Friday, February 18, 2011

Church Dick

I was reading the Editorial section of the Buffalo News a few days ago.

In the "My View" column, there was a piece written by a Massachusetts native who was moving to Hamburg.  She read good things about the area, but she also read bad things.  Then I came to this line:

"...we had a wonderful feeling about the church Dick?"   Oh, did you?

It got me wondering who she was talking about.  Was there a parishioner who was well-endowed and is responsible for taking care of the ladies?  (You do notice the "D" is capitalized.  Is this a case of religious capitalization?  As in "...there was a painting of Him on the altar.")

Then I started to wonder if there was a jerk who hung around the church and did practical jokes to bug people.

"Who put the whoopie cushion on the kneeler in the confessional?"
"Oh, it's probably the work of that church dick."

 "Why are there bubbles coming out when they play the pipe organ?"
"Oh, the church dick is up to his old tricks."

"Why is the altar wine warm and why does it smell like asparagus?"
"What the hell is wrong with that church dick?"

But I think it might be a parish private investigator.  "Dick" is a slang term for a detective.

"Who is stealing the collection plate money?  Looks like a job for the Church Dick."

It would be an easy job in the Catholic Church.  If there's any wrongdoing, always point to a priest.


Friday, February 11, 2011

Something happened...

Joseph Heller's first novel, Catch-22, was published in 1961.  It was a huge book that was made into a motion picture and whose title became a catchphrase for something that's an absurd "lose-lose" situation. 

His second novel, Something Happened, was published in 1974 - thirteen years later.  I remember seeing something about this on TV around that time.  Heller meant to write another book sooner but he was involved in screenplays and TV and movie projects.  When asked why it took so long to do another novel, his reply was "something happened."

That is why I'm using it as the title of this entry into my blog.  My New Year's resolution was to write a blog with all the funny, creative things that go on.  In January, I had ten different posts, which averages to one every three days.  My last one was on January 26.  Today is February 11.  Why haven't I posted anything?  Well, Something happened.

Around the time of my last posting, I pulled a muscle in my upper back.  It was just a little pain around the ribcage.  But over the next few days it went to my neck muscles, then shoulder, left arm and all the way into my left elbow.

I took a trip to my D.O. doctor, got an adjustment and prescriptions for Lortab (pain reliever) and Flexeril (muscle relaxant).   I feel I should put these pills in Pez dispensers because I take them so much. 

When I wake up, my arm is in so much pain that I hold it close to my chest - almost as if it was in a sling.  The first thing I do it eat something and take the pills (I don't want to pop the pills on an empty stomach).  As I wait for them to kick in, I'll make a pot of coffee.  Ahhhh, caffeine, pain killers and muscle relaxers.  What a way to start the day. 

In fact, I referred to this in one of my Facebook posts:

The problem with this situation is I'm either in too much pain/discomfort to write or I'm too relaxed to focus.  There really isn't an in-between.

Actually, I'm having a tough time just organizing the points in this.  But in the coming weeks I will have a lot of things to talk about.  I got updates on past postings and a whole bunch of new ideas.

But I thought the best step was just to do something...

And I did.  I explained how "something happened."