Friday, January 14, 2011

"The Jews ate my pudding."

One goal in life is to spend as much time around people you enjoy being with and as little time around people who annoy you.

Now, these people who bug the poop out of you could be neighbors, classmates, and co-workers.  Although you can take steps to avoid most of these people, co-workers are the tough ones.  You may walk past them every morning.  You may sit near them a few times during your shift.  Or, you may just have interact with them all day long.

So what do you do?  You can let all of that anger sit inside of you...or you can enjoy it.  One way to do that is to play "Workplace Bingo."

It's a fun game.  Just think of all the sayings this person says over and over again and place them on an imaginary bingo board.  You could even divide them in categories like exclamations, excuses and others to blame.  If an IT guy comes to your cubicle and says, "Jesus, I can't believe Tom did this.  What was he thinking?  I don't have time to do this.  I can't always fix his crap."  You can just smile to co-workers and say, "Bingo!"

One day a co-worker was whining and cursing.  I turned to someone and said, "my card's filling up fast."  Later I said, "I almost have all the squares filled.  I just need one more, but it's a tough one and I don't think I'll get it.  In order to have a cover-all board I need him to say: 'The Jews ate my pudding'."

Of course, it was funny because it makes no sense.  Two concepts that aren't related to each other.  I don't know any frustrated employee blurting that out.  I don't know ANYONE who could say those five words, in order, in any situation.  But what if you did have this imaginary bingo board and you did need someone to say this phrase.  Could you trick him?  How could you do it?

STEP ONE:  This person needs to have pudding...and really like it.

Kids like pudding.  Adults couldn't care less about it.  So the guy must really like pudding in general, or you have to have really good stuff.  Maybe get some crème brulée and stress it's just pudding - but tell him it is his and his alone.  So, in his heart, he can say "This is MY pudding."

STEP TWO: Someone needs to eat his pudding

He has to keep it in his lunchbox.  Maybe tell him he has to guard it and keep it protected.  Then, simply empty the bowl but leave the container where he can see it.  A dirty spoon might help to prove that it was "eaten."  In his heart he can say, "Someone ATE my pudding."

STEP THREE:  We have to blame it on "the Jews"

What the hell do we do here?  It's not so much that one person did it.  We have to blame an entire ethnoreligious group.  Maybe the person is anti-Semitic.  Maybe he is paranoid.  Maybe he's in the Tea Party.  I don't know, but we have to get him to believe that a nation and a culture did it.  We could leave a yarmulke next to the dirty spoon, but if he was a dumb redneck he might think it's a beanie and say, "The Little Rascals ate my pudding."  It would be a lot easier if Mel Gibson was your co-worker.

STEP FOUR: We have to get him to say the phrase

Here is a tough one.  He has to be so outraged that he says that sentence.  Maybe it could be a Mission Impossible scenario where the Taliban will control all of the world's oil and gold if they get their hands on the guy's pudding.  We sent Israeli spies to control the situation.  Finally, he could let out a sigh and say, "Whew, that was a close one. The Jews ate my pudding before the terrorists did."

I said this story would look good in my blog.  A guy looked at our co-workers and yelled "Bingo!"

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